The Sovereign One

January 5, 2010

What an awesome God we serve! Surely it would be in our best interests to follow the advice of King Darius: “people should tremble and fear before the God of Daniel” (Daniel 6:26).

The more I realize that I cannot avoid the parts of my theology that trouble me, the more I realize my God must be sovereign over it all. I could never face the terrible things to come (see the visions of Daniel and John) if my Lord did not have power and control over everything. And while it may still terrify me to think about, I know that the truth of even these troubling visions is not to be ignored.

I must remind myself that the God I serve is bigger than my fear, bigger than the evil in this world. In fact, he is the ultimate conqueror and ruler of all, and his is not a dominion to be afraid of. He certainly inspires “fear and trembling”, but he also inspires great love and devotion. We should look forward to his reign with great hope and eagerness, for our Lord is good and just.

Come quickly.

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I have decided to spend the next week in consistent prayer. Every day I will pray three times (morning, noon, and night) on my knees. I also plan to keep my journal nearby during these times in case I want to write out my prayers or record something the Lord is telling me. I began this afternoon, and after I finish blogging, I plan to meet God again before bed.

Another heads up: I begin classes again on the 18th, and I will be slammed with more work than I know what to do with. I’ll be glad to feel productive again, but it will demand a lot of my time and attention. You can’t say you weren’t warned.

With both of those things in mind, it should go without saying that this blog will probably be neglected occasionally in order to maintain my relationship with God and my good grades. Try not to be too offended. However, you should also feel free to prompt me if I’ve been absent for more than a few days.

Until then, I wish us all good blogging fortune!

No More Series

January 4, 2010

I am so happy that we are no longer in a series at Renovatus. There’s something exciting and freeing about going to church and not knowing what God is going to say to you. It’s nice to be caught completely off-guard. For example, we just finished a series on relationships last week, and today our pastor spoke about discerning and obeying the voice of the Lord. I cannot even begin to explain to you how timely his message was.

Anyway, I know that may seem like a lame blog entry, but it seemed like good background info in case something awesome follows. Good night all!

Today I have spent hours (literally) browsing various websites for non-profits like World Vision and Preemptive Love Coalition. I felt like I was drowning in a sea of beautiful children’s faces. There are just so many of them, and I feel so helpless to reach them. Dave and I plan to begin supporting one of these organizations monthly, but that ~$30 seems like a drop in the bucket when you see how great the need is.

I’ve known for years that I wanted to work with children, but I’ve also discovered that the full-time nanny thing is not for me. I am also pretty confident that I’m not called to teach in a school (public or private). What does that leave me with? I can’t imagine ever landing the kind of dream job that the people at World Vision or PLC have. If I were still single, I could apply for a summer internship, but I’m not.

I feel so aimless. I am passionate about serving children in need, but I have no idea how to  do that without sponsoring 10+ kids a month and causing us to go into debt. Ideas?

Marital Issues

January 1, 2010

Tonight has been crappy. Really crappy. Dave and I are having serious issues, and we’re both feeling frustrated, disappointed, and helpless. I love him so much, and it drives me crazy that I can’t fix this for the both of us. And since I can’t, I just end up feeling worthless. It’s miserable.

I know Dave is really hurting too. I don’t want to belittle that with my own emotions. I know that I’m not alone in my despair. He loves me immensely, and I know he just wants to see me happy. I hate that he feels like such a failure because of this.

Arg! God, seriously, we need divine intervention here! Please don’t just leave us in our own muck. Deliver us from it, and lead us into the joy of a fulfilled marriage. Our hearts long to experience that.

A New Year

January 1, 2010

It seems like way more than a year has passed since I celebrated 2009. So much has happened in the past year, and it’s interesting to think about what a totally different person I was this time last year. I feel like the best and (in a way) worst things happened to me in 2009, but I wouldn’t change any of it.

The highlights:

  • On February 12 Dave and I went on our first date.
  • On May 8 Hannah was born.
  • On Mother’s Day (May 10) Hannah went home from the hospital with  her adoptive family.
  • On May 18 Dave “proposed”.
  • On May 26 we adopted Jackson, the best dog in the world, from the pound.
  • On June 11 we got married in the county jail.

Obviously, it’s been a crazy year in a lot of good ways, but I’m happy to put 2009 behind me. It seems appropriate that the new me should be accompanied by a new year. Here’s to 2010!

The End of an Era

December 31, 2009

I’ve felt rather sad, angry, and lonely for the past few days. I found out that one of my best friends is moving away very soon, and I’ve also had to “break up” with an old friend. Both are incredibly sucky.

Confession: I hate that my best friend is moving far away, and I kind of wish this other “post-friend” would instead. Is that harsh? Yes, it is. But my heart and mind aren’t always happy and lovey places. The dark parts of me are full of grief at this loss of someone I love deeply. I guess it brings out the worst in me.

As you looked on, a stone was cut out, not by human hands, and it struck the statue on its feet of iron and clay and broke them in pieces. Then the iron, the clay, the bronze, the silver, and the gold, were all broken in pieces and became like the chaff of the summer threshing-floors; and the wind carried them away, so that not a trace of them could be found. But the stone that struck the statue became a great mountain and filled the whole earth.
Daniel 2:34-35

In preparation for a class I am taking next semester, I have begun rereading the book of Daniel. The last time I read this portion of Scripture in its entirety was during my first year of college at the age of 18. And while it may have only been a little over four years ago, I am a totally different person now than I was then. I may have the same reason for reading Daniel (school), but this time around I am reading with more than just my mind: I am reading with my heart.

This particular passage struck me with hope and awe. One day, all the fallen and miserable kingdoms of this world will end. They will not just fade away, though. They will shatter and crumble beneath the great and coming reign of God. This is not a picture of the old being quietly replaced with the new. It is a vision of the power and supremacy with which God will establish his glorious kingdom. Does this not excite you?

Previously, I was more inclined to favor the idea of God peacefully sweeping aside his enemies, not crushing them with a giant stone and grinding them to bits. However, I must concede that God is not safe (remember Aslan?), and he confronts every one of us with the truth of himself. It may just be that the kingdoms of mankind will only acknowledge him in the face of so great a blow.

God is not just a God of wrath, though. He ultimately destroys the other kingdoms so that his may be established. In his kingdom, there is peace and joy; no pain or strife is present; and we can experience the ultimate union and communion with him. Let us await this coming day–not in fear of God’s judgment but with hope in his making-things-right.

It’s out of my hands.

December 28, 2009

She watched her day crumble
Like rock beneath the angry fist of God
So much strength and composure
Lost to the cruelty of everyday life

Here is proof, once again, that she will never be able to maintain control.

Our 1st Christmas

December 27, 2009

This Christmas was a lot different from all the ones before it. Being able to celebrate it with Dave was very special. I went a little overboard with presents because it was our first Christmas together, but it was so much fun to watch him get things he’s been wanting but never asked for. It really is more fun to give than to  receive.

The only thing about Christmas after getting married is that you start to notice things about your family that you never saw before. All of a sudden you start viewing them through your spouse’s eyes, and they seem a little (or a lot) stranger. I feel like, on some level, I must have always known these things about my family, but they didn’t seem so obvious until I brought Dave with me. I just kept praying that I wouldn’t let this newfound insight hinder my ability to love them. Even with the awkward family revelations, I really enjoyed this Christmas.

As for my birthday… It was good and bad, but I’m choosing to  move past the bad.