Where is my New Year’s resolution?

December 21, 2009

Something about counseling gets me in this weird, hyper self-aware mood. It’s interesting, and I certainly enjoy being able to better understand myself than the week before, but there’s also a part of me that dislikes it. No, that’s not strong enough–I hate it. I may walk away with a new little piece of the puzzle, but that makes it all the more frustrating to be left so “unfinished”.

I am the kind of person that hates to leave things unresolved. In any relational conflict, I am always quick to discuss things, solve the problem, and move forward. This can be very good thing, but it has also been a key supporter of my captor, Shame. Out of my extreme need to resolve every issue, Shame has kept me bound to itself when others won’t allow me that resolution.

I have few particular people in mind, but for the sake of making this easier to comprehend, I’ll call this collective Sara. In the past, I seriously wronged Sara. I betrayed her in an intimate way, and we parted ways on very bad terms. She has never forgiven me, and that is not surprising, considering what I did. I have struggled with intense grief and unrelenting shame over the way I treated Sara but was asked never to speak to her again. Out of respect for that wish, I have not tried to make contact. However, I feel bound to Shame until she forgives me. Since she is the one I wronged, I feel that she should be the only one to set me free.

My counselor believes that God has purposely allowed me to run into the brick wall of Sara’s unforgiveness/the “unresolvedness” of the situation in order to bring me face-to-face with my need for him to set me free from Shame. No one and nothing else can do that for me, not even Sara’s forgiveness.

When I left my counselor’s office, I felt anxious and frustrated by the fact that even my session has been left unresolved. Not only that, but she didn’t give me any “homework”. I know that she did this in order to make me face and accept the fact that things will not be fixed and neatly tied together at the end of each session. There are no quick fixes. I can’t read a chapter of a book or journal about a topic and have my problem instantly solved. I must learn to wait and face down these things in my life that are not yet resolved. I must trust that God is working on them and me even when I can’t see progress.

Ugh. I think you need to pray for me, because this seriously sucks.

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